On a scale of 1 to 10, how rude my brother? 12! He’s very rude and I hate him to the bones.
I sometimes hope that the sun won’t shine for him when he wakes up tomorrow, I just hate him too much but I know that it’s not good to ask for something like that—death. I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all (Bohemian Rhapsody is my jam okay) to ease all these pains or to not feel these sadness and grief and envy in my heart because it doesn’t feel good, I tell you, it hurts—it hurts too much that you just wish for some big ass truck to hit you and crash you into pieces at that very moment.
Or maybe, somehow, I don’t really hate him, because you cannot hate someone. According to what I’ve read, it’s only the absence of love. So maybe that’s it. Maybe I just envy him for having everything he asked/wished for, for being everyone’s favorite. He gets everything while I get none. He’s the favorite while I’m the least person that will come across their minds. He’s the person they all care for while I’m a careless person.
I was once the favorite but I wreck it all or it faded because I was too busy with my life in particular and the social media that I forgot what I was supposed to give much attention and to care for.Or
Maybe, I’m still lost. I still don’t know how life goes and how to be an adult because how much I try to be mature, since I’m the “Ate”, I can’t force myself to be an adult there’ll be still time that I’ll still long for some fondness just like newborn babies and some “lambing”.
Eff this life.
Yes, we know how shitty our government and how deaf our leaders. But have we dig deeper with our society and try to find what’s really the problem behind all these shits? No. And the truth is, we are the problem in our country, the solution to this problem and a problem that will never be solved ever because we, the people, are the problem yet we act like innocents and rant how much shitty our government is, when in fact we are the one that got away.
Got the shit?
I asked for John Lennon’s The Letters and I don’t get any response. My brother asked for a Gundam which costs like 2,000 pesos and without second thoughts, my Grandmother said “Okay.”
So, this is how it feels like to be the favorite granddaughter no more.
I know I’m not the best daughter in the World neither do I the sweetest but here I’ll say it from the top of my lungs, I love you Mommy. I’m happy that you are my Mom even though you are 4,293 miles away from us you still have time to catch up with us unlike Dad who’s only inches away from me, but I understand him..sometimes. I know I’ve been really distant from you and that I don’t talk to you all the time unless I have something I want, well at least that’s what Ate Xeai always says. But it’s not. I actually have a lot of stories to tell you but I don’t know where to start. I have a lot of boy problems that I want to share to you, my crushes, my boy bestfriend and a lot more. I just hope we catch up soon.
And I’m sorry if I get to emotional sometimes, if I become too aggressive sometimes that I want it to be mine as soon as possible or I’ll die, if I get sad everyday, if I don’t know how to be sweet, if I’m not the best daughter, if I make you cry, if I always end up ruining everything.
I love you Mommy. And Happy mother’s day.
Your beautiful daughter
(So that’s how I looked like last summer, a lot of things changed!)
I have trust issues. When I become too attached, I pull myself back. I have a rope on me at all times to do this, rendering myself not capable of loving anybody. And truth be told, I’m just scared. People call me strong but I’m not. In the end, I’m just as vulnerable as everybody else.
depression is like not giving a fuck and anxiety is like giving too many fucks and when you have both it’s like fuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkk
These are the moments I don’t want to be too emotional because clearly, I’m too emotional. Because if I do, I’ll be crying and I won’t stop crying.